It’s 2.35 am. I took sleeping again. It kills my body but my brain is still awake. I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay up, I want to scroll mindlessly on social media. Berating myself for not sleeping. I want to cry. I hate myself. Why do I always feel this way?
I have been overwhelmed with my course. I have so many assignments to do. I hate it. I want to quit school, but really, it's only another 1 month to go before I finished my degree.
God, I hate my employer. I hate people around me. I hate myself. I gained 10kg+ during the lockdown. But what do I do about it? I continue my terrible diet, avoid exercising and fucking my sleep pattern.
2 days ago I slept at 7 am and woke up at 3 pm. I felt like shit. Why do keep doing this to myself?
I am worried about my family back in Indonesia. I wanna go home so bad and spend time with my dad, sister, brother and grandma. My grandma is getting so old.
It’s now 2.47 am. My boyfriend is sleeping very deep in the bedroom. Here I am sitting on the couch in our living room, refuse to sleep. I don’t want to face another day. I don’t want to be awake tomorrow just to waste all of my time doing nothing, but doing my assignment or taking care of my body.
It’s now 2.50 am. My head hurts. The sleeping pill is killing me. Why do I have to suffer? Live is just suffering.
I need to sleep. I need help.